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"I get off watching her get off," he says.Īnd William certainly isn't an anomaly. When asked whether toys enhance his own sexual experience, or if they are primarily used in the service of his partner's pleasure, he says that both are true. "I am a pleaser, so I like toys that she likes," says William. Though he's tried the Fleshlight, in addition to several prostate stimulators, most of his toy usage is within the context of partner play. Such is the case for Paolo William, a 51-year-old straight male who has used vibrators and other toys with his partners for at least 25 years. (Only 16.6 percent had used them during solo masturbation.) When men were asked what led them to incorporate vibrators into their intimate lives in the first place, the most common reasons were wanting to please one's partner, or wanting to aid them in achieving orgasm. In a 2009 paper published in The Journal of Sexual Medicine, researchers found that, of the men they surveyed-about half of whom had used a vibrator-most had used them with their partners during foreplay and/or intercourse.
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It seems that, for many men, the gateway to solo sex toy use is partner play. Do guys need extra help achieving orgasm? Also, with my guy, toys haven't enhanced sex for anyone but me. To be honest, I've found this trend perplexing. Still, much more recently, we have seen the rise of the "guybrator" and other male masturbators, toys for men that go far beyond the minimalism of products such as the Fleshlight. According to the National Survey of Sexual Health and Behavior, conducted back in 2009, 91 percent of men said they climaxed during their last sexual encounter while only 64 percent of women could report the same. And after all, we have that pesky orgasm gap to bridge. Sometimes, a toy can do a better job than a finger during a round of solo sex. Sometimes, women need a little extra help during partner play to experience arousal. The past 15 years have seen the evolution of the vibrator from novelty sex toy to "personal massager" to well-designed piece of high-end gadgetry-gadgetry that has become especially proficient at bringing women to orgasm. The very first time I had used a clitoral vibrator, it had been a revelation.
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"It just feels weird," he said when I pressed him for details. The toys I brought into the bedroom for research purposes didn't do anything for him. I felt doubly guilty because he didn't even want all of those bells and whistles. By the end of the day, it had circulated around the entire office. I couldn't help but feel guilty when a coworker of his discovered the published article while flipping through the magazine at work. One time, we even did a photo shoot with Women's Health after testing out and reporting upon a particular couples' toy. For the first few years we were together-before I shifted my focus to the science of sexual health, collaborating with counselors and researchers and educators-I dragged him to launch parties for porn flicks and erotic art gallery openings and, every time he merely wanted to enjoy a simple roll in the hay, I produced a new sex toy with a flourish, a product I was reviewing for this or that publication. My husband is a hapless victim of my sex writing career.